Today makes one year since I made the decision to quit my job. A job that was an answered prayer.
It was one of the most challenging decisions that came with many tears, uncertainty, and mental battles. It was also a decision I did not make without seeking wise counsel. However, as a person who believes in order, I understand how I should have met with my then pastor to express my decision and share my heart. Nevertheless, the decision was made. I had a plan of what would be my next move, but nothing was finalized. This was a leap of faith. Transitioning is never easy. The pain of transition was real, especially when it was sudden. You don’t have time to say your goodbyes or explain your side. People see you missing in action, and there are questions left unanswered. I was walking through a total MESS. Something I would have never imagined.
I did not leave in peace at all. Peace not in the sense that I was making the wrong decision, but peace with myself and those I worked for. There were a lot of emotions during this time. In my eyes, I had a “right” to feel the way I did. Often these internalized emotions were not channeled or expressed correctly externally. Right after I left, I went on a social media tangent, and you all may probably remember. Though what I posted may have been true, it was not done with the right heart or in the right spirit. People would message me about it, but I felt they didn’t understand me. I honestly felt like they were defending the hurt and pain I endured.
My feelings were real. My emotions were real. But there is a right way. I didn’t get it right in those moments, and pain is not an excuse. I didn’t want to listen to anybody, truthfully. I thought I was doing everybody else a favor. Truth doesn’t need my assistance to be revealed because time reveals everything. It’s a lesson I’ve learned. On top of that, friends who I was close with left me at a crucial time. I didn’t understand why. But then I remembered when I was that “friend” who left another friend of mine the same way. As we would say in The Bahamas, “someone pissed in my ears.” I allowed the lies someone fed me to change who I was for my friend without getting to know the truth for myself. Another lesson I’ve learned. Thankfully, God never left me, and I appreciate the faithful few that stood with me through this whole thing [you know who you are].
So, I left, and the fall semester for the school I wanted to attend began in TWO weeks. I still had important documents to submit while trying to process everything around me. I didn’t see a way through, but my God had already seen a way out. The same God who has promised is the same God who is faithful. I may have been delayed a few days from move-in, but I wasn’t denied. With one suitcase with my Skechers on [because all my belongings and car were in two different states], I entered the portals of one of my dream universities. Mind you, it was always a dream of mine to attend this university, and I even had a dream I was there. However, since I got the job, I didn’t think anything of it anymore. I felt that where I was, was all there would ever be for me now.
[even when God opens one door for you, be grateful and give that season your all, but don’t forget the other doors or the other words He spoke to you.]
As I rejoiced in my new season and place, I still dreamed of my old job. Almost every night, I dreamed about still being there. When I tell you nearly every night, it was practically every night. God would usually speak to me through dreams, but I didn’t understand these ones. I would pray that I would be free from those dreams, but I kept having them. It was annoying. I still wasn’t at peace. During a phone call, The Holy Spirit used one of my former professors to minister to my heart. I realized I was still holding on to things and people from a season and place I was no longer in. I was allowing my heart to become filled with grudges and bitterness. Inwardly I said I would never go back, but God said there was some unfinished business I needed to care of. You know, I questioned what God meant by that. ME? Raphael Roker had unfinished business there? I said that devil is a liar!
It’s the end of my first year at my new university, and I got a summer internship with the parents of a friend from my previous college. My friend was graduating in a few weeks, on the 14th of May, and I was in Connecticut from the 2nd. Before I came, I let his parents know that I would not be attending his graduation and asked if there could be other arrangements for me while they were away. I was serious about it. They obliged. The time for graduation was approaching, and I was asked a few times if I was sure I wanted to stay. My response would be the same, though I still would be wrestling with what I knew God was telling me to do. I think it was a day or two before they would leave, and the weight of the instruction was so heavy that I finally gave in.
I believe to fully embrace and enter a new season, there must be a bridge of honor—where possible.
I may not have done it the best I could have initially, but God provided an opportunity to make wrongs right. I came to the graduation intending to be honorable. I apologized to people who “I” thought didn’t deserve one. I extended love to those who I knew wronged me. It wasn’t about what they did. Because truthfully, it can be said that I wronged some people, admittedly or not. However, it wasn’t about any of that; it was about what God taught me in those moments. There was love, forgiveness and reconciliation.
Nevertheless, a year later—
restored.
healed.
blessed.
forgiven.
wiser.
stronger.
better.
I believe nothing I have done and nothing I am doing is as great as what I am about to do.
Raphael R. Roker 