One of the things I have been learning is to not allow myself to view those who God has placed in my life in this season through the lens of those who have hurt me in a previous season. It is easy to see people through the lens of hurt, trauma, etc. It is easy to see the old pains of the past through new people standing before me. I attempt to “figure out” the person, thus creating walls. I would internally ask myself, “Is this person genuine?” “Does this person really care about me?” “Do they only want me for what I can do for them?” “Am I the topic of discussion when I’m no longer at the table?” These questions are not based on a desire for a healthy boundary or awareness perspective but on previous experience. Knowing the difference when filtering the people in our lives is vital. I would already have preconceived ideas and judgments of a person before they can show who they are to/for me. I am not meaning that they have to “work” for the friendship, but simply given the opportunity to allow their purpose in my life to be revealed. It can be a grave mistake and injustice to ourselves when we put up walls causing us to miss God-ordained friendships, relationships, and connections.
Yes, we should use our past encounters to develop healthier boundaries, but we should never become overly critical of a person without getting to know them for ourselves. There is a difference between using wisdom and still dealing with the unhealed version of ourselves. The unhealed wounds of our past can still bleed through our thoughts and outlook on life, relationships, and friendships. We must ask ourselves, “Am I viewing this person through the wounded or whole version of myself?” “Which season of my life I am no longer in am I seeing this person through?” These are tough but necessary questions. Because we can be in 2023 still viewing others through the lens of what we encountered in 2012. Our lens does not need cleaning; they need to change. We must trade in the pains of our past for a new perspective of people for the new season God has us in.
See, the wounded version of ourselves will want to build up walls, but the whole version of ourselves will want to create doors. Each season and each person deserves to be seen through a fresh lens. It can be challenging because we never truly know the intentions or heart of a person until things get ugly. It would be nice to know, but we do not always know or can tell. It is not for us to figure out. Truthfully, we are afraid of getting hurt again and allowing ourselves to be taken advantage of by people with whom we have placed great loyalty and love. It is okay. It is normal to feel this way. Yet, we must trust the sovereignty of God in our lives. We must trust His voice and direction in who He sends in our path.
Our walls can become harmful to our destiny. Not everyone has the capacity and patience to knock down the walls we build to create a door. We must take responsibility for working on total inner healing. Walls cannot only keep the bad out of our lives but also the good and beneficial. With walls, we end up losing more rather than gaining.
We must not be like this building. We need doors to allow the necessary people to add value to our lives. We need plumbers, electricians, and interior designers to come in and allow God to use them to help furnish us for greater use for the Kingdom. We must challenge ourselves to turn those walls into doors, allowing ourselves to be open to the amazing people God has for us this season.
Raphael R. Roker 