I saw a post on Instagram that said, “become your priority.”
It is a simple yet profound statement.
The Weight of Parental Expectations
I met with a student while taking a break from typing this blog post.
We were conversing about the decisions he was facing and how he was being weighed down by them.
He kept referring to his parent’s approval and what his family would think about his decision [nothing bad].
It broke my heart listening to him, honestly.
Everything he said was about what his parents wanted.
He was not considering his feelings.
He had no boundaries with what his parents wanted for him and what he wanted for himself.
Breaking Free from Approval Addiction
Let me say this: Parents, you must stop pressuring your children to live in a way that pleases you and disregards their freedom to choose.
Your social status or how you would appear to friends and family should not be the driving force of your children’s future.
Stop trying to live through your children for self-glorification.
Guide your children, of course, but allow them to create their own path.
Stop Living for Others—Start Living for Yourself
So many children suffer through college simply because their parents want them to.
So many children fear making choices for themselves because they fear disappointing their parents.
I told the young man he would not be a failure or disappointment for putting himself first.
I told him that he had to separate his love for his parents from the life he was creating for himself.
Yes, you love them, but it is not their life.
Their and other people’s approval of him is a non-factor because they are already living their lives.
I told him that if he kept prioritizing people’s opinions of him, he would live a miserable life.
He went on to say that he will keep praying about it.
I told him that prayer was not the issue here; he needed to make a decision. He did not need more prayer. He needed to prioritize himself.
I felt this interaction aligned with our conversation today.
The Trap of One-Way Relationships
Often, you devalue yourself at the expense of pleasing others.
You make time.
You jump to their rescue.
You are there for them.
However, the mutuality is not there.
You place people in places of great value in your life while they could care less about you.
You would cross the ocean for others, which is right, but they would not cross a puddle for you.
You worry about their approval of you.
You feel that you “need” their presence so much that you would do anything to keep them, even if it drains your mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical life.
The Power of Boundaries
I do not believe it is the will of Jesus for you to place yourself as a burnt offering for people to intentionally use you.
You are not called to be washcloths being rung out by people who only need your listening ear, time, advice, or company when it is convenient for them.
A relationship is a two-way street.
Who is pouring into your cup when you are the only one consistently pouring?
Who is your listening ear when you are constantly the one listening?
Who fills your social battery when you constantly fill the gap for others?
When is it your opportunity to receive gifts after ensuring everyone feels special?
You prioritize them but do they prioritize you?
Saying ‘No’ Is Self-Care, Not Selfishness
You deserve better.
You deserve to be surrounded by people who honour, respect, and value you, your time, attention, and presence.
You are not less than anybody to be treated as such.
You do not have to prove you are somebody to people who will never appreciate you.
You should not have to have a “known” last name or elite status to be valued.
You will never find fulfillment in one-way friendships. People will continue to use you as long as you let them.
They know you will always be available, so they keep coming to you.
They know you will always give your last, so they will keep telling you a sad story.
They know you will always show up, so that is why they call you.
You must decide to place boundaries around the friendships/relationships in your life.
Stop saying “yes” to everybody; when it is your time, you receive a pile of excuses.
Stop neglecting yourself at the expense of others all the time.
Stop breaking your back for others who would not lift a pinky.
You are drained.
You are tired.
You do not feel loved.
You need to stand up for yourself and use the word “NO.”
That is a powerful weapon of a word.
“No, I cannot meet with you today.”
“No, I do not have time to talk right now.”
“No, I cannot help you with that.”
You will keep in a cycle of disappointment and dissatisfaction if you keep placing yourself on the back burner. Those people will live without your involvement.
Trust me, they will live.
Guard Your Heart, Time, and Energy
When those people see you value yourself, they will realize something is different.
They will realize they cannot operate as they once did.
They will realize they cannot use you anymore.
They will realize that they cannot take advantage of your kindness anymore.
Guard your heart.
Guard your emotions.
Guard your time.
Guard your attention.
Lessons from ‘Boundaries’ by Henry Cloud
I read a book by Dr. Henry Cloud and John Townsend called, “Boundaries.” Here is one of the things that stood out to me.
Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership. Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom. Taking responsibility for my life opens up many different options. Boundaries help us keep the good in and the bad out. Setting boundaries inevitably involves taking responsibility for your choices. You are the one who makes them. You are the one who must live with their consequences. And you are the one who may be keeping yourself from making the choices you could be happy with…
Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life
Taking Ownership of Your Life
People will only do what you allow, and you will have to live with the consequences.
You are in control of what comes in and out of your life.
You control the decisions that will make you happy or angry.
It is time for you to take control of your life.
YOU MATTER.
You do not need that “friend” to say they are your friend.
You do not need that relationship to say you are in a relationship.
You are better than that.
You Deserve Better—Claim It
You have extended yourself.
You have done what you could for others.
Now, it is time to take care of you.
Become your priority!
Raphael R. Roker 